Party of Jesus

The Party of Jesus has found a new leader in the struggle to restore the missing Bible passages that somehow fell out of our Constitution.

First up will be the Cotton/Poly Amendment, which will outlaw mixed fibers according to Leviticus 19:19. National Guard Troops will surround every Wal*Mart and K-Mart until they surrender all of their cotton poly blends. God hates mixed fibers.

The Restaurant Abomination Amendment is intended to protect the sanctity of America’s favorite family activity – Dinner time. It will restore mandatory sentencing for serving crustaceans, in accordance with Leviticus chapter 11. I hope the final version of this amendment includes re-education programs for fishermen and those horrible lobstermen. God hates crustaceans.

And of course the Care for Hair amendment will honor Leviticus 19:27 and Leviticus 13:41 by outlawing the cutting of the corners of beards, or the hair on the sides of men’s heads. We all know that God hates barbers.

And of course to protect the virginity of animals offered at the altar, he also wants an amendment to outlaw gay marriage so that nobody tries to marry the neighbor’s dog.

Well, I don’t think that’s a radical view to say we’re going to affirm marriage. I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal.

Let’s restore the Bible passages that have been somehow left out of our Constitution. The Party of Jesus will bring the Bible and your laws back together again, just like the good old days when Thomas Jefferson went door to door selling Bibles to raise money for the missions.

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